(Disclaimer: It is a custom on Purim to create satires from the story of Queen Esther. So this is it. All in fun though - no political messages intended…. Whatsoever...)
This story was told to me by my great grandfather who heard it from his cousin twice removed.
A long, long time ago in a far away galaxy in a city called Shushan lived a king in a palace which was all white. He was a jolly old king. He was also very wealthy from all his real estate investments all over the world.
One starry starry night the king was entertaining all the very, wise extremely important sons and daughters of god who came all the way from Hollywood. It was a nice party, really, where all the VIP’s were congratulating each other and walking on red carpets not to spoil their shoes. They all ate and drank. Alot.
After the guests could not find any more ways to praise each other, they got bored. The king (his name, If I remember correctly, was Achashverosh) who was at that point a little drunk himself, demanded that his wife Queen Vashti dance with minimum clothes on in front of his guests. She refused (who can blame her?) claiming that her minimum wage job description does not include dancing.
Since the king did not know the laws regarding queens who refuse to dance, he went to the local district judge asking for a verdict. But this judge was too conservative so he went to a highly reputable liberal judge but he was too liberal. The king then became very desperate looking for a judge who will render the kind of verdict the king wanted. Since he could not find the right judge, he decided to banish the queen from his kingdom. Well the media was all over him. They condemned his decision claiming that the king was influenced by foreign agents.
It only took a few days for the king to realize that he needed a new queen. He organized a whole Women’s Talent Competition (The now famous “Shushan has Talent “) and in order to be fair he invited all transgenders as well.
There was a Jewish young lady who lived in the city of Shushan by the name of Esther. She wanted to devote her entire life to fighting global warming because she was afraid that in five years, the earth will be flooded from the melting glaciers and burned from rising temperature. When she was forced to participate in the king’s new talent competition she got to the finals and actually won. Since she became a queen her life long dream of becoming a major advocate for Mother Earth, to give lectures and sell lots of books, all vanished. From all the Jewish princesses in our country she became the first Jewish princess to hold such a high position.
That's when the story gets interesting. You see, the Shushan senate minority leader (or maybe it was the house minority leader- who remembers!) was a man named Haman. From all historical records at the Pentagon we know that he wasn’t a nice dude. As if he needed a reason, he did not like Jewish people (what else is new?) He went to the king and explained to him that there is a nation of undocumented immigrants called Jews who managed to climb the 60 ft tall wall the king built around the city. They used tall ladders and hot air balloons in order to infiltrate the kingdom. “Now,” said Haman to the king, “them Jews are all over the city.” The king agreed to let Haman kill all these Illegals Jews on the 14th day of the month of Adar.
I would be remiss If I do not mention the president of Shushan’s AIPAC, Queen Esther’s cousin from her mother’s side (I think), the honorable Mordechai the Jew, a well known advocate for Jewish matters. Haman and Mordecai did not see eye to eye on all national security and health care matters or all other matters including the Jewish right to exist. So when Mordecai heard about Haman's evil plan and about Haman’s plan to hang him on a tall Christmas tree, he felt that it might be a good Idea to do something about it. After all, he really wanted his legs to be firmly touching the ground and not be dangling somewhere. He also thought that Jewish survival would be a nifty idea as well.
So he tried to call little cousin Queen Esther on her cell phone but got no answer. He tried texting her, even Tweeting her- nothing happened. He tried to write on her Facebook wall - no response. He tried Instagram -nada .So he decided to do what any nice Jewish boy would do. He dressed in sackcloth and put ashes on his head and paraded back and forth for three hours in front of the queen’s window. She got the message. She asked Mordechai what was going on so he briefed her on the situation and they both set down to strategize.
After much thinking they came up with a brilliant Plan. It was kind of complicated but the gist of it was that Esther would find a way to tell the king that if he allowed Haman to execute his evil plan not only the kingdom’s economy would collapse, but also Ms. Ginsburg would be missing from the Supreme Court, half of the liberal professors from all the universities in his kingdom would be gone and he would not be able to celebrate Passover in his palace. More importantly, his beloved wife, being Jewish, would be killed as well
The only danger in the plan was finding a way to deliver the message to the king. Since the king was told by his secret service not to use a cellular phone or a laptop, the only way to get his attention would be face to face.
But since you do not come to see the king uninvited, appearing in his palace by one ‘s own initiative could be deadly to say the least.
So Queen Esther did what Jews do best. She Prayed. She also fasted for three days just to lose the little extra weight she had put on recently. Then she asked the royal hairdresser and the make-up artist to make her look exceptionally pretty (not that she was not pretty, of course). Then, she bought the most beautiful dress. She made sure not to have any wardrobe malfunction. She put on the glass shoes which she borrowed from Cinderella and went to meet the king, come what may.
But you see, there has been a royal secret which was very well guarded for many generations and never leaked to the NY Times or the Washington Post despite these papers’ desperate efforts to get the story. Do you realize how many more papers they would have sold if they had the story? Maybe even claim the rights for a movie and two sequels or even a TV series. But no! The secret was kept safe in the royal palace. Recently, however it was leaked by an anonymous source known as the “mysterious leaker”. Allegedly, he was from the opposite party who wanted Haman to be the King.
Ladies and Gentlemen you read the truth here first: What really happened!
You see, the queen had an agreement with one of the king’s guards who shall remain anonymous.The deal went like that: the queen would help the guard’s two daughters who never finished high school to be accepted to the University of Shushan School of Art Supplies on a Crayon Coloring Scholarship. And in return the guard would slip to the king a bunch of his favorite Corona beers so he could be half drunk and in a very good mood. This would insure a favorable reaction from the king when Esther would show up.
Indeed, that is exactly what happened. The queen invited the king and Haman to a private candle light soft music dinner. At the self served dinner (she did not want any else there) she revealed her Jewish identity. She told the king that executing Haman’s evil plan would mean eliminating her as well.
Well, let me tell you. The king hit the roof. You should have seen his face. It was all red from anger, veins bulging everywhere, not a happy camper.
He immediately voided that evil decree, ordered that Haman and his 10 sons be hanged and sent a warning through his kingdom saying that anyone who dares to hurt the Jews will be punished severely. (wouldn’t this kind of warning come very handy nowadays in the Middle East, around the world and in many American campuses?)
So the 14th day of Adar became a day of celebration for us. It’s a day that symbolizes Jewish survival. And that’s good. Very good.
And it’s a day to find humor in everything and everyone! So have a laugh!
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