In the traditional custom of writing parodies on the *Purim story, here is Rabbi David’s take on the whole thing…   

(By the way, if you think there are some partisan opinions here - Nope!)    

Purim According to the Gospel of Rabbi David

As the holiday of Purim approaches here is the real story of our good friend Miss Esther Queen better known as Esther D Queen - don't ask me why.

So this whole thing happened in Persia. Them Persians had a king. His name was Achashverosh. He was a nice fellow really. A little drunk and a party animal but nice.

This King had a sheriff named Haman the Evil, a well known terrorist and a white Supremacist who also acted as an informant for the Mafia. Then there was this dude Mordi the18th, aka Mordi-*chai, who was a high ranking cabinet member in  Achashverosh's cabinet in charge of state church relations (I think) and who also happened to be a Reform Jew. Nevertheless, Mordi-chai wore a *kippah and used to *daven every morning in front of Capitol Hill. (Oh yes, I forgot to mention, the capitol’s name was Shoe Shine, or Shushu or Shushan or something like that)

One day Achashverosh was conducting his white palace briefing in front of a live audience. He decided that they all needed some entertainment so he said in front of national TV: "Ya'll need some entertainment." He then asked his wife, a well known pro life/pro-choice (take your pick) women's rights/energy conservation activist, and also a go-go dancer, named Vashti, to come in front of the cameras and perform her now famous ballet moves while singing "I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys-R-Us kid." She did not wanna do it, so she didn't.

Well, let me tell you, the king was so furious that he immediately revoked her application for asylum and sent her to Mexico. Apparently "Vashti" is a Spanish word meaning, "Don't ask me to dance or I will file an injunction against you in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Anyway, the king suddenly remembered that he forgot to replace his queen with a newer model so he announced a Grammy Awards ceremony and whoever would come with the sexiest, most revealing dress would be the next queen. The king, a freethinker did not care if it would be a woman, a cross dresser, a crossed eyed or a crosswalk.

Now Esther, a student at Shushan U. West campus was working on her masters in Climate Change Studies. She wanted to change the earth by running as a state representative so she could talk and everyone will eagerly listen! And she will be in all the papers and talk show hosts will hate her! How wonderful is that!    

It was all because her uncle, the famous Jew, Mordi-chai, forced her to compete in this ridiculous competition (she thought so) that much to her chagrin she won. She immediately assumed the royal title, "Her Majesty Duchess of York, (the peppermint kind), Cambridge and Shushan" (or Shoe Shine, or whatever)

Now remember that she was also a Jewish princess. How lucky can she get!

One beautiful morning Sheriff Haman the Evil was taking a stroll around the white palace  and noticed to his dismay that Mordi refused to gnash his teeth, make faces, fall into the ground and dance the Hora in front of him. This was way too much for him to tolerate  and he decided to get rid of him and all them Jews. He went to the king and explained the problem he had of Jewish people being alive.

Achashverosh being human could not understand the imminent danger of the Jewish people who are making the world a better place and inventing all these medicines. He  suggested instead of killing them, building a nice tall wall around Shushan (or Shoe Shine or whatever)  so Mordi-Chai and all them Jews would not be able to come in.

But Haman rejected that idea. So Achashverosh suggested an electronic monitoring of all the Jews including the use of drones and sophisticated cameras but then he remembered that electronics had not been invented yet, so sadly he gave up on this idea. However, Haman was such a *nudge (the Hebrew word "Nudnick" is a better term) that the king just wanted him off his back so he agreed to Haman's plan to get rid of all the Jews.

That did not sit well with Mordi. Not at all. In a secret meeting with Esther D Queen that took place on the Tarmac of Shushan International Airport (SIA) he urged her to leak this information to the press. (He actually suggested Wiki-Leaks but Esther did not want to get involved with such hot potatoes.)  Esther rejected this idea so Mordi told her in no uncertain terms that she must confront the king about this issue. "After all," he said,   "this king's decision is a clear violation of the constitution, an abuse of power, an insult to all women as well as African Persians. This is also a terrible decision which will affect our climate.

What choice did Esther have? She was trying to get out of it by telling her uncle that one cannot just go to the king without an invite. This is punishable by death. “So send him a tweet first,” Mordi said. “He loves to tweet.”

I guess you know the rest of the story but I will tell it to you anyway.

So Esther took her chance and under great risk to herself she came in front of the king uninvited so she could invite him and Haman the Evil to an important meeting in Vietnam where they would discuss some worldly issues, drink a lot and eat gefilte fish with *kasha varnishkes. Since the king loved kasha varnishkes the way his grandmother used to make them, he agreed in principle to the plan. The king was happy. Haman the Evil was happy and Esther was so tense that she was on *shpilkes.

The big day came. The room was full of reporters. This event was of course televised on channel 18 for all to see. Some sharp reporters were quick to point out that this was all a stunt to divert attention from the real problems of inequality and low minimum wage in the Mac-Haman fast food chain owned by Haman himself.

In the meeting the king, after drinking much of the local Saki, finally heard that his beloved wife is actually a college graduate social activist and a nice kosher Jewish girl  and that Haman is a racist, discriminates against the Jews and Hebrew school graduates and in fact, he wants to kill them all including Esther D Queen.

Well, let me tell you. If you did not see Achashverosh that moment on TV's "Face the Nation" you have never seen such an angry man in your life. As you know, the end was not too good for Sheriff Haman the Evil. He and his 10 boys were hanged. After that they died.

Esther continued being cute. She became state advocate for Energy and Fresh Air Conservation as well as an activist in the “Save the Cows” movements.

So he wouldn’t be bored, Mordi the 18th became state representative to the UN where he found plenty of other Hamans to deal with. I wouldn't want to be in his *tallis.

King Achashverosh became a gun control advocate and started practicing Zen Yoga and King-fu, which was good for him because he was very overweight.

And I? I am outa here...

Rabbi David

 *Purim Story – in a nutshell:

Characters: Achaverosh – King, Vashti - first queen, Esther – new Jewish queen, Mordecai – Esther’s uncle and community leader of Jews, Haman – prime minister.

In the 4th century BCE the Jewish population of Persia was under a great threat of elimination by an anti-Semitic prime minister, Haman, in the court of the King Achashverosh. The king who was not overly concerned about the welfare of his countrymen gave Haman permission to execute a mass murder of the Jews on the 14th day of the Jewish month of Adar. The date was chosen through lots or Purim.

Unbeknownst to Haman, Queen Esther was Jewish. She was selected during a beauty contest after the former queen, Vashti was banished from the kingdom for refusing the king's order to dance at his banquet.    

Esther invited both the King and Haman to a banquet where she revealed to the king who she was and that murdering all the Jewish people would include her.

The king who adored Esther became outraged over this revelation and ordered the hanging of Haman and his 10 sons. Mordecai became the new prime minister.

*chai – Hebrew word meaning life with numerical value of 18

*kippah – skull cap Jewish men wear,  also know as yarmulke

*daven – Yiddish word for pray

*nudge – Yiddish word for pest, a bother

 *Kasha varnishkes – traditional Jewish dish combining kasha with noodles  

*shpilkes- Yiddish word for state of agitation, impatience, can’t sit still  

*tallis – Jewish prayer shawl

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