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Here is Rabbi David's own version of the megillah (a long story that tells the story of Queen Esther.) Of course as usual he makes fun of everything which is the whole idea of a Purim Shpiel! No political messages - just laugh and enjoy!
From Rabbi David: An interesting archaeological find in the Judean desert dating to the fourth century BCE, sheds new light on the Purim Saga.
Professor Knowit All from Shushan State University recently presented his findings in a conference, revealing an amazing archeological treasure. Professor All introduced a surgical mask with the phrase: “Esther the Queen” embroidered on it from that time period. A scroll titled “The True, Uncensored Story of Purim” was found near the mask, written and sealed by an anonymous writer believed to be Mr. Mordecai. D. Joo.
Since uncensored material is invaluable nowadays, it is considered to be the find of the century.
Once opened, the story revealed the true sequence of events in Shushan, the flag city of our beloved King Achashverosh, peace be with him, according to the gospel of Haman’s son, Vizata the First.
The story was corroborated by the world renowned historian Moyshe Goldberg who was also the deputy assistant to all wild party matters in the court of Achashverosh, King of Persia, and who lived in Shushan at the time.
So according to Vizata’s gospel, the story actually begins with the famous Shushan Pandemic of the fourth century BCE. Dr. Anthony Zaratushtra, the head of the Shushan’s CDC and ATV, declared that anyone who walks in the street without wearing a surgical mask will be hung by his/her toenails. Since no one wanted to be hung by their toenails, everyone wore a blue velvet and a mask.
In one of the king’s infamous parties on his yacht named, “Where Is The Liquor?” his queen, Zelda Vashti, was seen not wearing her government issued face mask. Oy.
What a chutzpah! The king, totally embarrassed in front of all the dignitaries from our beloved China and Russia and in front of his majestic wonderfulship, P. Andrew, had to stop the nice respectable party on the yacht and declare Queen Zelda Vashti a socially canceled, racist, person. The poor thing was banned from Twitter, Facebook, Shushan Gazet and all other social platforms.
She was forbidden from studying the Talmud and Jewish mysticism. She had to surrender her throne and all the money she made through inside trading and outside “favors” she granted to all the big boys of the technical giants.
The king in his (poor) State of the Union address declared that Queen Zelda Vashti is solely responsible for the running inflation in Shushan and therefore he is now on the hunt for a replacement.
Many young ladies competed for the job which also included a multi million dollar package deal and a movie contract.
Esther, a nice Jewish girl, while being very pretty, had no intention to compete. All she wanted is to become a respected reporter, see no evil, say no wrong, on network TV, but Mordechai, her cousin, explained to her that a Jewish queen during the pandemic of which, of course, the Jews are to blame, will be a very good thing for the Jews.
Besides, he told her, the money is good. She can write books about cooking or about early childhood gender education in Shushan Kindergartens and sell millions of copies on Shushanzon and (Ugly) face-book.
So Esther decided it couldn’t hoit and threw her shoe to the ring (she did not like hats…)
Wouldn't you know, she won. After much PR and with the help of a good Jewish attorney /manager to handle her campaign, she became the now very famous Queen Esther.
It would’ve been nice if this was the end of the story wouldn’t it?
No such luck. In the gospel according to Vizata, Haman, the deputy king for foreign affairs and UFO’s, was a racist, misogynist and a no-goodnik.
Now cousin Mordecai, a respected Jewish representative of the Jewish people in the Shushan senate diametrically opposed Haman’s social, economical, educational, bacteriological and ice cream agendas.
Naturally Haman did not like Mordechai and by extension, the rest of the tribe. One day he went to the press and declared that the Jews refuse to wear their state issued face masks and do not keep their 535 feet social distance.
In fact, he claimed, many of them did not take the 18th booster vaccine. Unlike the rest of the minorities in the kingdom who believe in all those beautiful Idols, the Jews only worship their one and only G-D.
One G-D?! What a bizarre concept! That constitutes total insubordination!
In a closed door, secret conference with King Achashverosh, Haman proposed getting rid of the Jews by activating the army reserve and the hooded Bolsheviks who would do the dirty work.
In a sealed contract with the king, Haman made a grave tactical mistake. He added a clause which indicated the elimination of “all them Jews”.
Not letting a qualified Shushan attorney review the contract was a bad mistake. Since “all them Jews” means all of the Jewish people - no exception, Queen Esther was in danger as well.
Since Queen Esther was not fond of the idea that the Jewish people would be genocided, and since she herself did not like dying too much, she hosted a zoom meeting with the king in which she invited him and Haman to an intimate candlelit dinner with plenty of vodka and Bloody Mary on hand (do they even go together?)
She first thought that the Cheese Factory of Shushan would be a good place for this upcoming historical dinner but after much consideration she chose her palace.
You see, her kitchen was glatt kosher (double sinks, triple refrigerators etc.) Besides, unlike the cheese factory, her kitchen was blessed by the chief rabbi of Shushan, Rabbi Shmuel Feldman, and that was a very important point. Most importantly, in her kitchen she could make sure that all the food served would also be strictly organic.
And so it happened, according to Vizata’s Gospel, that the king, the queen and their guest, Haman the Amalekite, set for Shabbos dinner with wine, Challah and all the trimmings.
Needless to say, the 18th Booster Certificate and triple mask cover were an absolute requirement for all who wanted the privilege to serve the royal family and their guest. Of course, the king, queen and Haman along with all the who’s who of Shushan were exempt from all masks.
Poor Haman thought that the final procedures for the elimination of the Jewish people would be discussed. You can imagine his shock upon realizing that he himself was on the agenda for the night.
In a clear and concise powerpoint presentation, Queen Esther built an iron clad case against Haman and all the media outlets that were so eager to spread his social anti Jewish theory. Relentlessly and by the advice of her Jewish attorney, she zeroed in on the clause “all them Jews” which by definition included her as well. Esther was upset about some media claims that Haman had no problems with the Jews since both the Jews and him had nice white teeth. However, when the king heard that his wife, a nice Jewish social activist queen, would also become a victim of the plot, he lost his cool. I mean totally.
In a quick impeachment trial conducted by the king in front of the queen Haman lost his job with all the goodies that came with it. His book tour promoting his book “the Jews and I - the case for extermination” was canceled immediately, All his scheduled tv appearances and all the consulting contracts with the Persian white hooded clans were terminated as of that night.
Oh, yes, in addition to all his troubles he was also hanged along with his ten sons and the Jews all over the Persian empire were saved. Halleluyah!
In Esther’s diary which was found a few years ago hidden in one of Iran’s ballistic missiles the entry for that night reads: “Mission accomplished! Hooray for me and for Hollywood.”
It is interesting to note that Mordecai wrote a secret note to Esther congratulating her. It reads: Good job, agent E.S. Ter, wait for additional instructions from your handlers.
Go figure…
Rabbi David aka Rabbi Spock...
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